Am I Sitting on God’s Lap?

I’m thinking back to where my journey began. On that day, when I stood up and switched to another chair, the thought came, am I sitting on God’s lap? As I thought about it I felt foolish. It sounded weird to me. Sitting on God’s lap? Well, that was 5 years ago and every morning  I am still sitting on the same chair. And I still feel foolish to think, am I sitting on God’s lap?  

If you new to this blog, the story about how I “changed seats” can be found on the home page of www.chairsontheporch.com 

I have been thinking about what happened that day. And I have been thinking about my brain – the science of my stroke.  And I have been thinking about how what happened, and still is happening, is related to the story in the bible about Mary and Martha. Hmm, maybe too much thinking. 

Mary and Martha meet Jesus

So here is the story about when Jesus visited Mary and Martha at their house (maybe it happened on their porch?).

Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house.  And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word.  But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.”  And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. “But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”  Luke 10:38-42 

What happened there two thousand years ago matters because it happens here as well. The moral of the story is still the same. Only one thing is needed, choose the good part. I think it is an example of two different ways to relate to God. Mary and Martha were relating with Jesus differently. Serving him vs. hearing his words. Those two women were sitting on different “seats”. The seat of serving versus the seat of hearing. Doing things for God is often different than hearing him speak.

I saw an outline of sorts about the call of a disciple. 

To Be with Jesus → To Become like Jesus → To Do as Jesus did. 

It occurs to me that I often do it in the reverse order.  

Trying to do what I think Jesus would do. → so I can become more like Jesus → so one day I can meet Jesus. 

But to be with Jesus is the starting point, not the ending point.  

There is no way around it, I am a “Martha”. I was always doing things, trying to show my worth, making sure that my “house” was in order. Just listening wasn’t something I was good at. This “good thing” wasn’t something that I tried to do. What was easy for Mary was hard for me. Still to this day it is hard for me. I didn’t choose the good part, instead I was worried and troubled about many things. I’m wondering if maybe God arranged my stroke to land me in his lap? 

“Chairs on the porch” is more than the name of my blog, it was a new start, a different way to relate to God. There were two chairs on my porch, and I changed chairs.

Science and my Stroke

What science says about our brains is amazing. The imaging technology that can tell what is happening in your brain is phenomenal. What “lights up” when a stimulus happens tells scientists what part of our brain is engaged and how it is connected to the other parts of your brain. It’s a new field of study for sure, there is lots to learn about our brains.

My stroke happened to the left side of my brain. You probably know the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body. Thankfully, my right side still works. Well, sort of works anyways. The left side of your brain is also where your language lives. The most pronounced effects of my stroke happen in the language part of my brain, reading, writing, talking, and even thinking were affected. The left side is more rational, more analytical. It is where the narration of your life happens. I’ve heard it called the chatterbox in your brain. Have you ever thought about how your mind is always talking? Always chattering away.

The right side is more creative, more intuitive, rather than thinking about what is happening but just being in the moment without thinking about the past or the future. And when they work together they paint a pretty cool picture. Living in the moment, and analyzing what it means. What about when they don’t work together? Well, maybe when one side doesn’t work very well the other side shines a little brighter.

In the book, My Stroke of Insight, Jill Bolte Taylor described what happened while she was experiencing a stroke. Interesting to me because I had a stroke but more than that, because she was a scientist who studied the brain. As an expert in the brain, she realized what was going on in her brain even while half of it was shutting down, the left half. When her left side of her brain went offline it opened a window to the right side, the intuitive side. As she struggled to engage the left side enough to dial a number in her phone at the same time she experienced an overwhelming sense of peace, she felt one with the world. The chatterbox in her brain, the narration that was always there, became silent.

In “A stitch of time” Lauren Marks recounts the early days after her stroke in a similar way, “my inner monologue, my self-directed speech, had also gone almost completely mute. In its place was the radiant Quiet, The nourishing Quiet. The illuminating Quiet.” Geez, the radiant quiet, but an amazing place to be. 

My stroke was different from Jill’s and Lauren’s but it was similar too.  I can’t remember if or when my left side went offline, but I think it did. I think I was living in the moment. That was probably why I wasn’t stressing out about what happened. I can remember the peace that was there.

Does Peace come from your Brain or from God?

I was talking about this book with my daughter Holly. And she asked, does that mean peace comes from your brain not from God? I guess I’ll cut to the chase, did the peace I experienced after my stroke come from my brain or God? The answer is, I have no clue.  When I woke up in the ICU, the sense of peace I had could have come from the brain. When the volume of the chatterbox is muted maybe it opens the door to peace. Maybe it happened when God created our brains, brains that can experience peace.

To experience peace in that way is beautiful. To mute the volume of your chatterbox. That is what mystics have been doing for eons. Sitting with crossed legs humming a mantra. Omm. Clearing your mind. One with nature. Just being, not doing. Getting rid of the noise in our brains.

But we also need peace when we are engaged with the world with both sides of our brain, we need peace, not from the chaos, but midst the chaos. I experienced that kind of peace as well. It was tangible, it was miraculous, and it didn’t come from my brain. (That story can be found on the home page of my blog as well.)

The bible says “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4.7) God offers us peace that is unexplainable. I experienced that kind of peace. And I long for more of that kind of peace.  

I guess I’m thinking about these ideas because I’ve been struggling with some things. There is a struggle in my life between “Martha” and “Mary”.  I’m a “Martha” who is trying to be more like “Mary”. Can I even change who I am? 

And I’m also experiencing a struggle between the two sides of my brain. The “quiet” and the “chatterbox”. The chatterbox in my brain says, “what good am I? I can’t do anything”, but in my spirit God says, “only one thing is needed, choose the best part. If all you can do is sit, sit here on my lap.” And, full disclosure, I still feel foolish to think that.

But there it is.  I’m sitting on God’s lap.