Your New Life is Going to Cost You!

You might ask, cost you what? Well, that’s the question I’m struggling with.

I was decluttering my office, cleaning up some of the files that are laying around, and organizing my bookshelf. And I saw a white notebook sitting in a line of notebooks that I didn’t recognize. What is that I thought? So I picked it up and opened it. I was looking at a schedule of therapy appointments from 5 years ago, and right after that were about 100 worksheets. As I skimmed over the worksheets it opened a door to look back to the days right after my stroke. Sort of like I was reliving those days. Those days where I couldn’t write or read. Working on worksheets that were better geared to five year olds. Looking back to where I was. Wow. How your mind heals is phenomenal. Sure, it takes a while, and there is more healing needed, but Geez, I am so thankful about what is going on in my mind.

A couple minutes later, I spy an orange little booklet shoved under a pile of books. I didn’t recognize it either, but I recognized the title, 40 days with Jesus. My first attempt to read again happened when I struggled through that booklet. Every morning for 40 days I read this devotional. It was brutally hard, and beautiful too.  Looking back to the days where I was relearning how to read, and more than that, how the process of sitting on my porch every morning and reading that devotional changed my spirit. Looking back, Geez, I am so thankful about what was going on in my spirit.  

Decluttering my office turned into a cool ride through the memory lane.

Looking back is important. The monuments we erect cause us to remember. The mall in DC is a great example. It is centered on the Washington monument. East and west it ends with the Lincoln memorial and north and south it ends with the Thomas Jefferson memorial and between them there are the Vietnam veterans memorial, the Second World War memorial, the Korean war veterans memorial along with scads of less known memorials, statues and sculptures. And flanking the mall are museums. Smithsonian national air and space museum, the National art museum to name a few.  A lot of remembering happens at the national mall.  It doesn’t matter if you’re thinking about our nation or thinking about your life, looking back is important.

Looking ahead is important too. The goals we set, the life we desire, our dreams and aspirations all reside in the future. Looking forward to the future is important. But, unlike the past, the future can’t be known.

Looking where you actually are is even more important. Being in the moment, being present where you are. That is the link between where you were and where you hope to be. That is where I need to live, between where I was and where I hope to be.

It is easy to get stuck in the past, dealing with my regrets, or thinking about the good old days, those days where I could easily talk, where I had enough strength to do what I wanted to do. I realize l am finally, after 5 years, grieving that I’d lost, I think that is important. Grief that leads to letting go, and to acceptance. Grieving about what happened, and letting it go, so I can live in the present. Grief is something you experience in the moment but it is also indelibly linked to the past.

It is also easy to live in the future, waiting for the day. The day when I can hike up in the mountains, or the day when I wake up and feel good. I think waiting for the future is a bigger problem for me. Sometimes it feels like I’m waiting rather than living. Waiting for a future that may or may not happen. 

I haven’t said anything new or profound. Everyone lives between the past and the future. But somehow, having a stroke seems to magnify and amplify what is going on in my life. Things that were there, but not noticed, somehow came into focus. And it nudges me forward to be present, to live in the moment.

Decluttering, why do we do that? I guess in my case, the goal in decluttering is to live a simpler life. The draw of a minimalist mind resides in my worldview. But in reality, decluttering is just to make space for more stuff. Welcome to the consumer world. But maybe, just maybe, it is getting rid of the “past” and making room for the “future”.

I found a song that really captures the ideas that I’ve been thinking about. I’d never heard of Lewis Capaldi, I guess he’s famous. I also don’t know what prompted this song, probably his dealing with Tourette’s syndrome. But man, he could be talking about me. 

Your new life is going to cost you your old one.

It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense of direction.
It’s going to cost you relationships and friends
It’s going to cost you being liked and understood.
But it doesn’t matter.
Because the people who are meant for you are going to meet on the other side.
And you’re going to build a new comfort zone around the things that actually move you forward.
And instead of liked, you’re going to be loved
Instead of being understood, you’re going to be seen.
All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are. Let it go.

Starting with, it will cost you your old life, and ending with, let it go. That is so hard, but man it is a powerful idea. 

Being present, living life between what l was, and where I hope to be.  Not living in the past, not living in the future. But between. And, while I’m living there …. I’m decluttering, you know, making room for more stuff.