Chairs on my porch

This is my story; I was told to say that.  I had been asked by my church to share what was going on in my life, and I agreed.  I was at church to be videoed, trying to do this live in front of people is not something I thought I could do.  But I thought I could probably do it on tape.  I had written what I wanted to say, but I realized I wouldn’t be able to read what I wrote, and I felt like it wouldn’t work.  So, I left my notes behind, and I decided to wing it, which is something I never do when I speak in public.  But I did, I talked about what had happened, with pauses and wrong words and all that. Fortunately, they were able to edit what I said and it sort of made sense. 

When they were done, they asked me to redo my introduction and say, my name is Karl Hostetler and this is my story.   But in retrospect, that wasn’t right, it isn’t my story. It is the introduction of my story. The story hasn’t yet been written.  Anyways, this is what I had prepared to say. 

My name is Karl Hostetler.  I was asked to share about having gratitude in the midst of overwhelming circumstances. As many of you know I had a major stroke in February of this year, and it was by all means, an overwhelming event. It is overwhelming even today, and yet I have not become overwhelmed and I have so much gratitude to God and to the people around me. I remember waking up in the hospital bed not knowing exactly what had happened, but I felt peace.  It had to be something from God; it doesn’t really make any sense.  I couldn’t say my name, I was blind in one of my eyes, my right side didn’t work.  And yet I felt peace.  It was a gift from God. 

You know Suzanne would probably be a better person to talk about being overwhelmed on that early morning. I was taken to the hospital at 1 in the morning, that time I was cognizant of what was going on. I could talk, I could ask questions, but something happened in the emergency room.  But I don’t remember what happened after that.  I woke up in the middle of the morning in the ICU.  While I was unconscious, Suzanne was awake.  For many hours she didn’t know what was going on.  Waiting for news.  I could not imagine. 

I was in the hospital for one week, and I went to church the week after that.  I didn’t think that I would be able to understand what was going on, but I felt I needed to be there.  And I was right. I couldn’t really understand the words of the songs. I could not follow this sermon.  But I had an experience during the worship service. The peace of God was so strong.  It was like I was floating on air, soft and warm.   It lasted for maybe 10 minutes. And it was unbelievable. I felt like I caught a glimpse of what heaven was like.  And I knew everything was going to be okay. I didn’t know if I would be okay, but I knew that everything would be okay. If I was healed, if I had another stroke, if I got better, if I got worse. Just didn’t matter.  There was so much peace.

It was a gift from God, I’m thankful for it.   During the months following that time, there have been good days and bad days, during the bad days I knew that everything was going to be okay. 

I want to tell you a story about what happened to me after the stroke.   I have a porch in front of my house and I like to sit there in the morning. This happened about a month after the stroke and I was sitting there on my porch drinking coffee thinking about life.  At this point in my recovery, I wasn’t really able to read and couldn’t really talk very well either.  But I could think about things.  And that was what I was doing, thinking about things, and praying about things, and meditating about things, it’s kind of a stream of consciousness type thing.  It’s what I was doing that particular day. 

There are two chairs on the porch, there is one chair that I always sit on, and the other chair. That morning I was thinking about that other chair on my porch. I was thinking it would be great if Jesus could be there in that chair to help me out.  As I was thinking that in my head, I heard a voice. I am not sure if it was an audible voice, but it was loud and clear in my head, and it was coming from the chair.  It was one word, “come”. I was startled. But I knew what it meant, God was asking me to come to him, and I knew what I had to do.  I had to respond. So, I stood up, and I walked across to the chair and I sat down.

As soon as I sat down the first thing that came to my mind was, am I sitting in God’s lap.  And I felt a little bit foolish about that.   Nothing seemed to change, I was sitting in there with my coffee. I was just sitting in a different chair.   It was nothing like the experience that I had in church. I was just sitting in a different chair. I was thinking to myself what happens next, what’s going on, it was like nothing happened. But something did happen. Something profound. 

The next day when I came to the porch with my coffee, I sat in the other chair.  The day after that, I did the same thing.  And the day after that.  I just stayed.  I sat there in the same place every morning.  At this point I wasn’t reading anything.  I decided I needed to start doing that.  I found a devotional book that looked like it was pretty easy to read.  I don’t know how it came to be on my desk, but somehow it was laying there.  And it looked like it would be easy to read, so I decided I would start it. 

The introduction says it is written as if Jesus is speaking to you personally. OK, I get it, instead of “Jesus loves me”, Jesus is saying “I love you”.  Sounds like a gimmick, but OK.  So, I sit down on my porch with my coffee and this book, and begin to read. “Taste and see that I am good. The more intimately you experience me, the more convinced you become of my goodness.  I am the living one who sees you and longs to participate in your life.”  Wow, whether it’s a gimmick or not, wow. Those words were so powerful, I am the one who sees you, and I long to participate in your life. 

On day two, “Let my Love enfold you….Sit still in the light of My presence and receive My peace. These quiet moments with Me transcend time, accomplishing far more than you can imagine” That’s what I like to do in the morning, I like the quiet, I like the stillness.  He wants me to sit still there and experience his love and peace. I realize that I’m not able to convey what was happening in my heart.  It was so powerful to hear those words while sitting on God’s lap.  I was hooked. The next 40 days I read this devotional. 

And then I started reading my Bible.  One chapter a day.  It was brutally slow and hard work, but it was beautiful. And over those several months I started to realize how much God loved me. I felt the love of God.  I mean I really felt the love of God. 

There is a prayer in the Bible that I never thought about. I never really realized it was a prayer.  It is in Ephesians 3.18, Paul is praying that you “may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ”.  It is a prayer for power, not for overthrowing your enemies, or beating your temptations, but about grasping how much God loves us. Power. There is power in knowing how much God loves you. And somehow, I was able to grasp it, sitting there on that chair and listening to his words.  Yeah, something happened, something profound, something powerful. That happened because of my stroke. A silver lining to what happened.  Or maybe it was more than that, maybe it was a cloud of solid gold. 

Something else was going on while all this was happening.  I don’t know if it happened all at once or gradually, but the realization of what happened dawned on me gradually. I gave up. 

There what a surrender.  Day 3 of the devotional began with this, “Follow me one step at a time, that in all I require of you” a couple days later was this, “Trust Me by relinquishing control into My hands. Let go, and recognize that I’m God.” And it was what I was doing, letting go of the steering wheel. Following one step at a time. This dawned on me gradually, as I noticed something different.  Something was gone.  Something that I didn’t even know that I had. This struggle I had with God.  There was a resistance that I had against what God wanted me to do.  Usually I would comply, in fact almost all the time I would go along, sometimes grudgingly.  But there was always some resistance.  And now it is gone. I didn’t realize what it was until it was gone. I surrendered.  And I felt free.   

When I see a verse in the Bible that sticks out for me, I write it in the small notebook that I have.  I saw this verse a couple weeks ago, Jeremiah 35.17 “Therefore, this is what the Lord God Almighty, the God of Israel, says; … I called to them, but they did not answer. “As I was thinking about that verse, I realized that had happened to me. God had called me.  Next to that verse I wrote this “He called to me, and I answered”. 

That is what is going on with me.  And it is a work in progress.  What comes of it is yet to be seen.  I hope I can do my part, letting go of the steering wheel and follow God day by day.