I’m Letting go of the Reins

What does it even mean, to let go of the reins?  Well, I have an answer. It means did you have to let go of the reins. That is all I wanted to say.  

As my recovery has progressed I have been thinking about this. And I realize, now, how hard it is for me to really lay down the reins. To just let go. 

I had been working on a project that started before my stroke. A project that lay dormant for several years.  I worked on it again after my stroke, sporadically, when I felt good enough. Starting with relearning AutoCad, then I did some surveying and some estimating. It was therapy for me.  And after a year of this, we actually had a permit.  No pressure, no deadlines, nothing like that. It was good therapy.  But now we are building it. So I committed to four hours a day, two days a week. There is a deadline, and some pressure.  And I realized what I am doing, I’m picking up the reins again.

We have material on site, we have inspections to order, we have volunteers coming from Pennsylvania to help us build it.  I am talking about the bread and butter of my entire life, building things, making things happen. But it isn’t happening for me. Hmmm, Bread and butter, with me and my gluten free dairy free diet .

My hope was that the project would be a stepping stone of sorts for entering into my old life, instead it is sort of teaching me how to let go. 

We just moved my father-in-law from his house into our house.  My wife commented to me how similar it seems, caring for her father and caring for me after my stroke.  What happened to me in a couple of minutes sort of happened to him as well, the only difference was that it took years for him to decide to let go. To let go of his home full of memories and furniture leaving it all behind with a couple of cardboard boxes full of photos and clothes. When I see him, I sort of see myself because he and I are both letting go of something dear and grasping on to something new.  

Everything that happened to me, happens to everyone. But generally it takes years to happen. What happened to me happened in a few minutes would have happened eventually anyways as life chugs on. Differing only in timing. Moments or years, with the same result, everyone eventually lets go of everything.

I’m not sure which is better. Having time gradually gobble up everything, or having it suddening thrust upon us. Maybe it doesn’t matter, letting go is letting go. As I think about it, I’ve always been more of a “rip the bandage off” kind of guy. It stings for a while, then it’s done. But, as it stands, it still stings.

What does God think about letting go?

“Letting go” is a thread running through the bible. We are often told to let go of the things that hinder us, things that we often use to replace what God wants for us.  

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,       Heb 12:1

Throw off everything that hinders, wow, that’s more forceful than just “let it go”. 

Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator….. Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.   Col 3:9,12

We are told to take off the old self and put on the new.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.   Pro 3:5-6 

Lean not on what you think you know.  That is so hard for me. I lean on my understanding. Can I even let that go?  To just let go of the reins and trust in the Lord..

All those things require a “letting go”. It is a requirement, a prerequisite. We need to “let go” to “grasp on” to the good that God offers. 

I’m not sure if I’m talking about the same thing. Letting go of things that hinder us.  Did my career hinder me from following God? I don’t think so. But letting go is letting go. Perhaps I’m focusing on the wrong side of the equation. Because “grasp on” is “grasp on” as well. Whatever happened to me to decide to “let go”, isn’t as important as what I grasp on to. Grasping on to the race marked out for me, clothe with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, with my paths straight.

What does it even mean, to let go of the reins?  Well, I have an answer. It means did you have to let go of the reins and grasp on to God. That is all I wanted to say. 

So, unless someone miraculously pops up to replace me, I am planning to finish the “bridge through the trees”, the best I can, with lots of help. And then I’m letting go and grabbing on to the race that is set before me. To sort of seal the deal, I’m starting to get rid of some of my tools, yep, but only some. I’ll let time deal with the rest as life chugs on.