Instead of composing a blog post, I have been working on my book. Here is a little bit of the chapter I’ve been working on about Aphasia called the Elephant in the room.
…So here are some things that are happening in my life as I’m dealing with Aphasia. Along with my battle with my language issues there are also some broader issues, things that are not specifically about Aphasia, but things that Aphasia produced.
Aphasia is causing me to want to withdraw.
Talking has become hard. As I think about it, I realize I can read alone, I can write alone, but talking takes others. What a temptation it is for me to just withdraw. To just shut my mouth, withdraw to my office and just write. Withdraw to my recliner and read, or maybe binge watch tv. I don’t want to do that, I can’t do that. I don’t want to live my life without my friends. So, it is a setback for sure, but it could also be a stepping stone. A stepping stone for talking, with words that often don’t appear in my brain.
I guess the ball is in my court. I can’t withdraw. In my calendar I have a list of weekly goals, monthly goals and yearly goals. Here are my yearly goals: 1. Post to my blog monthly, I’m doing that, 2. Build the e-walk bridge at Alpine camp, I’m doing that as well, 3. Work on relationships. For whatever reason, I haven’t worked on building my relationships. And I realize “work on relationships” isn’t really a goal, A well defined goal needs to be measurable so maybe it isn’t a goal, maybe it is just an idea. Just an idea, well, I have a better idea, how about we start working on that goal. Turning the setback into that stepping stone. Because if I don’t, Aphasia will gradually steal my friends.
Aphasia is taking away my career.
My career as a builder is stopping. I tried to resuscitate it for a while, but I realized it wasn’t happening. Probably the straw that broke the camel’s back was my inability to process numbers. Even if I write down the numbers that I need, use them to cut a board, or to layout some joists and to do some basic math, well that happens in my mind – or not. Is it a big deal? Yes and no, I am at a place where retirement is an option. But that wasn’t my goal, I was planning to work for as long as I could. My health, post stroke, has improved enough that working part time is possible. And I can’t express how important being able to “work” has been in my recovery. I am thankful that I can work at all, and I’m thankful for the Alpine camp for allowing me to work in a limited way. I’m planning to finish the project I’m working on. And then, I guess, I’m packing it up. Yeah, some bad things happened from Aphasia.
What about the good things that happened from aphasia? Good things? Maybe I’m grasping at straws. Good things? It is so important to me to see the good, in fact, it is essential. As I have been working on this chapter about aphasia, I started to be depressed, thinking about what I have lost. Sort of wallowing in sorrow. I can’t live there, I just can’t. So maybe I’m grasping at straws, or maybe not. So here are some good things that happened from aphasia.
My life has changed, obviously, but it changed in ways that I didn’t expect. I can remember the first time I used these words, “I have a soft spirit.” It was at a support group meeting and we were talking about how our brain injury has affected our life. The first time, in 65 years, I said those words. Wow, I guess. Somehow, my aphasia softened my spirit. Well, pride is bad, humility is good. Does that count as a good thing? Absolutely it does.
Another blessing of having aphasia, for me, anyways, is words have come alive. I never thought about words, I didn’t have to, they were just there. But now I thinking about words. When I’m reading, I’m thinking about the words. When I’m talking, I’m thinking about the words, when I’m writing I’m thinking about the words. Big words, little words, important words, silly words. I never realized how important words are. Because reading, writing and talking all have this in common, they need words.
And more than all of this, I started to love the words of God. With words God spoke the universe into existence. With words God made us the bible, the framework for our lives. With words he offers us salvation, and with words he speaks to us, to me, to you. His words are always there. Words, man. Words. Words are so important.
Here is one example of how this works in my brain. As I was writing this chapter, my mind started thinking about the word “straws.” Why? Because a couple of paragraphs back I wrote, “maybe I’m grasping at straws”, and the paragraph before that I wrote, “the straw that broke the camel’s back” so I started to think about the word “straws”. As I was thinking about this, a bible story came to mind.
If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved–even though only as one escaping through the flames.
1Co 3:12-15 NIV
The connections with a word in a couple idioms and a word in a list in the bible led to a profound truth. There is a lot I could say about that verse and how it relates to my recovery. Maybe in another post. But I will say this, I don’t want to build on that foundation with straw.
I used to be a pretty fast reader. If I could read the way I used to be able to do, those connections likely wouldn’t happen. The meaning of the idioms to all that it mattered, but the individual words that are needed, not too much. Well, I guess it is the opposite of speed reading.
Words connecting together in sort of random ways leading to profound truths. Over and over again it happens to me. Words like “come” and “must” and “listen” Words like “word” and “heart” and “chose”. Words like “straws.” Somehow, words have come to life, and it is pretty cool. It is a gift given to me by my aphasia.
I’m wondering if the “connections” with words are sort of a metaphor about the connections that are happening in my brain as well. To state it in the simplest way. What happened in my stroke was that millions of connections were severed in my brain. That is what happened. And my recovery is all about reconnecting what was lost in my brain. Connecting the dots. Connections are so important. Connections that lead to profound truth and connections that lead to movement, language, balance, and health. In both instances, connections that lead to life.
It seems appropriate to share a story from the bible. In a roundabout it is about having a hard spirit, it’s sort of about aphasia, and it is definitely about words….. Oops, I guess I’m out of words. Any guesses?
