My Beautiful Mind, Then Reality Sets In

I have a beautiful mind, and I am so grateful for it. As you read this, it might seem like I am complaining, but I am not, I am thinking about what is happening in my mind. My beautiful mind. 

I have always been a ponderer.  I would think about things for a long time. For weeks and months, sometimes years. Having ideas sit there in my mind and slowly have them congeal into something substantial. I don’t know if that is how everyone’s brain works, but I know that is how my brain worked.

Sometimes I would wake up early in the morning. For some reason, it was usually around 3:00 am.  And my mind would be working non-stop, working on a problem, working on something I have been thinking about. Often after wrestling with my thoughts for a while, the problem was solved, or there was clarity in mind about what I was thinking about, and I could fall asleep. Sleeping on it worked for me. Our minds are amazing. They work subconsciously in the background. I always took it for granted how beautiful my mind was. It was always working on things. 

So, it happened to me this week.  I woke up, it was 3:00 am, and my mind wouldn’t let me fall back to sleep. My mind was thinking about something for my Blog. And it all came together. What I wanted to say, how I was going to say it, the illustrations I would use. Everything just clicked. And it was good. It was very good.  I fell back to sleep feeling content. Our minds are amazing. They work on things in the background, pondering things all most invisibly.   Yep invisibly. 

Of course, that is what happened. It stayed invisible. The next morning, it was gone, I mean completely gone. I couldn’t even recall what I was thinking about. But I could remember it was good, it was really good. I could remember what I was doing, but I couldn’t remember what I was thinking. This thing that woke me up, this thing that I wrestled with for a while, was gone.  I know that everyone forgets things, and not remembering things that wake you up is common. But this is different. It was completely gone. I couldn’t even recall what I was trying to think about.

I actually thought about posting it. “Here is something I have been thinking about, I hope you like it.” (And then a couple of blank pages) and then ending with this, “Let me know what you think.”  I’m smiling as I’m writing this. I am wondering what you might respond. Thumbs up without reading it, or letting me know that something didn’t work right on this post.  Well, you would be right, something didn’t work right. I think that may have been an effective way to convey what is going on in my mind.

Oh my beautiful mind. But I don’t want to paint too much of a bleak picture. My mind still works. I am so thankful for that.  There is not much pondering going on, maybe it is going on, but it stays there in the background, I don’t know. It is different for sure.

Memory, pondering, man, your mind is a complex thing. I don’t know what is happening in my beautiful mind but there is a disconnect for me between what happens in the background and the here and now. I think that is why it is so difficult for me to compose posts. It isn’t so much recalling the words, as it is recalling my thoughts. 

I can remember when it was easy. My thoughts were accessible, I could form them into sentences and paragraphs.  It was so easy. For some reason I can remember writing something about the mass shooting at Las Vegas several years ago. Do you still remember that, the news was nonstop, all the pundits had their ideas, gun control to mental health to police not seeing the signs. It is human nature to figure out what’s happening in our world, that is what they were doing, trying to make sense of the world.  That was what I was doing as well, that was what I was thinking about.  

I had some thoughts about it. And as I pondered about it, an image came to mind, a metaphor of sorts. It was something I read in a novel decades ago, The Lord of the Rings.  So I sat down at my computer and started writing.  When I stopped writing, 2000 words later, I had something pretty profound. I can remember thinking, wow, this is really good. And I marveled some about how that happened. How an idea could flow through my brain and end up on the paper so effortlessly, it just flowed.  

I think what was happening was that I was writing something that I had thought about for a long time. Something I had pondered. I think it was already written there in my mind.  All I had to do was just add the punctuation. Man do I miss pondering things. I am figuring out what goes on in my brain, and pondering isn’t happening. 

I guess, the reality sets in.

So I’m deciding if I want to post this.  It is helpful for me to write about what is happening in my life. I mean it really is. It is sort of like pondering on paper. But there is not an application, there isn’t a moral to the story. It is just complaining about the reality of my life. I don’t want to burden you with my problems. On the other hand, I did invite you to join my journey- the good and the bad. So I was deciding if I wanted to post it or not. But then this happened.

It happened this morning. I woke up thinking about the reality of my life, will I continue to get better, will I get worse, or have I plateaued, is this all that I have, or is there more? That’s what I was thinking about, the reality of my life. But this time it happened, not at 3:00 but at 6:00, so I went ahead and got up. And it didn’t disappear, it was still there in my mind and I started my day. 

I have a routine of sorts every morning. I sit on my porch and meet the day with my coffee and the bible. And oftentimes something speaks to me as I do my devotions, so I write it down in a little notebook. And there is something else I usually do. As I start my devotions, I turn to the notebook and read the most recent entry. I usually reread what I have written. That way I can start thinking about what I was thinking about yesterday.  Because if I don’t, that verse or thought that spoke to me, well, it speaks no more. Rereading what I had written was a coping mechanism of sorts.

This morning I did that as well, I reread what I had written maybe a week ago. The same thing I had reread a day ago and the day before that.  And, as always,  I couldn’t remember what I had written. It was new again.  But as I read this again, Wow,

“The reality, however, is found in Christ.” Col 2.17. 

This thing that I was wrestling with, the reality of my life. This question I was thinking about, was answered with words that I had already written.  The reality of my life is found in Christ. It blew me away. I started to cry. 

Honestly, I don’t know if I have a beautiful mind. But I serve a beautiful God. And he wasn’t done. As I went back inside, I noticed a piece of paper on the door of the refrigerator.  Something that I put up maybe a week ago.  If you think that I knew what it said, you haven’t been paying attention. So I reread it. Here it is.

I am…Blessed with every spiritual blessing…Chosen by God…Viewed as holy and blameless…Adopted into God’s family…Given grace freely and undeservedly…Redeemed through Christ’s blood…Forgiven of my sins…Made known the mystery of God’s will…A part of God’s magnificent plan…Filled with hope…Included in the family of God…Sealed with the Holy Spirit…Guaranteed an inheritance of eternal life. 

That is the reality of my life.

I have another coping mechanism. It is a program that helps me write. It is called “Ludwig” and it shows you if a phrase or sentence makes sense by showing you an example of it. Idioms are hard for me. I want to use them, but sometimes the words that I write seem wrong. So I was checking the phrase “reality sets in” to make sure it was actually a saying. And it is. This was one of the examples from the New York Times sport section. 

“And then — ‘Bam!’ — reality sets in.”  Thank you Ludwig. 

That happened to me. The real reality of my life was set before me. Almost miraculously. Bam!   

I am blessed with every spiritual blessing. I am chosen by God. I am viewed as holy and blameless. I am adopted into God’s family. I have been given grace freely and undeservedly. I am redeemed through Christ’s blood. I have been forgiven of my sins. I have been made to know of the mystery of God’s will. I am a part of God’s magnificent plan. I am filled with hope. I am included in the family of God. I am sealed with the Holy Spirit. I am guaranteed an inheritance of eternal life. 

That is the reality of my life.

That is the reality of my life. 

That is the reality of my life. 

I wanted to say that a couple times. I hope that’s okay.