Back in the day, I used to say I can’t sing, referring to the mediocre, tone deaf, quality of my voice. What I meant was I can’t sing well. But after my stroke, I realized that I couldn’t sing at all. Another thing that was lost. I had heard of people who had aphasia who couldn’t talk very well, but they could sing. They would actually sing what they wanted to say. Somehow it worked for them.
I can remember going to the office at my church, and in my broken English, asked if I could have a hymnal. I was desperate to try something to ”fix” me. But that didn’t work. I couldn’t read the words; I couldn’t sing the songs. And for the last 2 years that hymnal sat on my shelf. Last week I took it out, because something had changed.
Last week our church had a hymn sing. I went because I like to experience worship even if I can’t sing. At church, I usually hum along, and sometimes sing a couple words. What doesn’t work is part of my memory, the part where the songs I used to know lived. And also, the way my mind processes words. I can usually follow along with the words on the screen until a word doesn’t appear in my brain quick enough. And then I am lost. Aphasia, what a trip.
Well, this week, I was surprised to know that I can sing. I can sing hymns. Hymns that I already knew. Or maybe, I used to know. I can’t follow along with the words, I couldn’t tell you what I just sang, but I sang it, I heartily sang it. Heartily, hmm, that is an interesting word. From the heart.
If you have been following my story you might recall my first post. It was about how I had lost all of the verses that I had memorized and how discouraging it was. I went on to say that I thought about it, I realized that they weren’t lost but they were there in my heart. Maybe they are hidden from my brain, but they live on in my heart. I have been thinking about that a lot. My heart. I am so thankful for all of the verses that I memorized.
To lose everything I had memorized might seem like a tragedy. And not just the verses but other things like my ABCs, the days of the week, the months of the year, numbers, all of it gone. Poof! But no, even though those verses no longer live in my brain, they still live in my heart. Those verses and the truths that they espouse have always been a foundation for my life.
They were always there. As a young man, as I tried to figure out things, as a middle-aged man as I negotiated the ups and downs of life, and now as an older man, I’m not ready to say that I am actually an old man, but an older man with a whole new set of issues. In all seasons of my life, the foundation had been secure. That is so important. Without that I would be in a world of pain, I would be up a creek without a paddle, drifting without an anchor. (If you’re wondering I am working on my idioms) And while it can be depressing thinking about what was lost, what remains is profound, a firm foundation. A foundation that can be used to rebuild what was lost.
I realized something, what happened to those songs that I used to be able to sing and those verses I had memorized, well, they went to the same place. They no longer live in my brain but they live in my heart. The foundation is secure. It is based on the words of God, and the praise that I have for God. Praise that starts in your inward parts, my heart. My heart is full of praise, it’s okay if I can only hum along.
As I was thinking about writing about what happened at the hymn sing, a phrase from a hymn came into my head so I pulled out that hymnal. Here it is,
How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord, is laid for your faith in his excellent Word! What more can he say than to you he hath said, to you who for refuge to Jesus have fled!
What a beautiful way to say what I wanted to say. It fits.
After I looked up that hymn, I noticed a paperclip there. It was marking something. And as I flipped to it, man, I needed to hear this. It is so cool how God speaks to me. If I can just hear him. This hymn matters enough to me that I marked it with a paperclip, back when I couldn’t talk or write or sing. And he reminds me again, how important that foundation is,
When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul.
I am not sure why I can sing hymns but not praise songs. but whatever happens, it is well with my soul.
Praise God for music! Music to worship from the heart!