Half the Man I used to be

Am I half the man I used to be?  I am trying to assess my strengths and weaknesses and figure out what I have to work with. It is something I’ve been thinking about, not seriously, but in a roundabout way. Well, I have an answer.

I was talking to a friend at church. A man that I hadn’t seen since my stroke. And we were talking about my progress.  He was questioning me, “Are you working? Can you drive?  Well, what percentage would you say you are at?”  As I thought about it, I said “30%.” I think he was surprised that that number was so low.  So he said, “what would your wife say?”  Man, I thought, that is a great question. 

On the way home from church I asked her what she thought. She said, 70%. Wow, that high. So I listed some glaring examples of what I had lost. As she thought about it, she agreed maybe her number was too high but she also thought my number was too low. 

So yesterday, we discussed it and we came up with a list of ten things. Comprehension, speech, strength, etc.  And, one at a time, we decided on a number. Comprehension, 90%, speech, 25%, strength, 50%, and so on. If you’re wondering, the loser was “numbers” at 10%. Anyway, we averaged them out, by adding them up and dividing them with how many items there were. 510 divided by 10. Even with only 10% use of my numbers, I can still do that. 51%. And I started to smile. I think God was having some fun with my ranking system.  51%. Almost exactly in the middle of my number and my wife’s number. Better than half.

I am trying to decide if it is an important number, or is God just having some fun with me, ”you want to know if you are half the man you used to be? Well, average it out,”  and he chuckles and leaves me with my thoughts. 51%, better than half, is that an important number?

Comparing myself to what I was before can be discouraging, but comparing myself to what I was right after my stroke is different, in a lot of ways, it is encouraging. My wife’s number was higher because she was thinking about how I was when I came home from the hospital. At that time, I’d say, I was at 20% across the board, maybe less. Reading, writing, speech, all in single digits.  And if I am talking about my “recovery”, that is where it starts. Starting at 20 and now 51?

255% improvement in two and a half years (I used a calculator). That is outstanding. Perception is important. Moving from what already happened to what is happening now. What happened yesterday versus today.

There is a popular Beatles song called “Yesterday”. As I think about it, the words seem true.

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

But there is a problem with the lyrics. As soon as I focus on yesterday,  I am focused on the wrong things. I am focusing on the mediocreness of what I can do. 51%. “Suddenly I am not half the man I used to be, there’s a shadow hanging over me”.  I need to refuse to “believe in yesterday,” and choose to believe in today.  255% improvement, that is something. 

Comparing myself to what I was before, and thinking about how far I have progressed. Yesterday and today.  But there is more to this. There is tomorrow. Comparing myself to what God says about me is a whole different ball game. The hope we have is incredible. Shadow hanging over me? No, but this:   

The path of the righteous is like the morning sun,
shining ever brighter till the full light of day. 

proverbs 4:18

The path we have leads to light. Brighter and brighter until that day. That shadow that we live in, is dissipating. That day. Man, that day, where there is no pain, where relationships are perfect, my relationship with God and my relationships with others. Where there is no hate, no suffering. Where peace and love abounds. That is where we are heading if we follow that path. In between lies yesterday and today, yep, but they are for a moment, “tomorrow” lasts forever. 

It lasts forever and it starts now. We can see it and can experience it. 

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.       

1 Cor 13:12-13

We can see it. We can see the reflection, we can experience it in part. And these remain: faith, hope, and love. Even with the reflection, there is something good that remains. 

On the list of things that we rated, one thing that has been constant. It was at 100% after my stroke, it is at 100% now.  It isn’t something that survived the stroke. But it is something that was created, somehow, through my stroke. Maybe revealed is a better word, but somehow it showed up. I am talking about my attitude, my spirit, that indescribable sense of peace that showed up. It just showed up.  What a gift it has been!

Yesterday is gone, I’m working on today, but my hope is in tomorrow.

There is something else I want to say about that number, 51%, Hmm. We shall see. Maybe in my next post?